The Hug

I was commissioned to do this for a young man who relied on his uncle for support because his own dad had died when he was just a baby. He wrote me a letter that I used as inspiration for this piece. I've got permission to share part of what he wrote (some of which is going to be in an upcoming article this year):

"My dad was in a car wreck when I was very little so, obviously, he wasn't around when I was growing up. So, my uncle, who had 3 kids of his own, stepped up and took me under his wing. I didn't realize until much later how impactful it was for me to have a positive male role model in my life - especially during my teenage years. Uncle Joe was the oldest of five boys (my dad was his youngest brother) and he had grown up without a father too - his grandfather (my great grandfather) was a surrogate father to him. So, he knew what I was going to go through.

When I turned twelve, I began acting out - I thought the world owed me something. I remember when Uncle Joe showed up at my school after I'd gotten into a fight. When I saw the look of disappointment on his face, I was more than embarrassed... I was disappointed in myself. Right there in hallway, in front of everyone, my Uncle Joe wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.

I wanted to cry but held it together until we got into his old pickup truck and had driven far enough that none of my friends were going to see me. Then I lost it. I cried harder than I'd ever cried before. He stopped the truck, put his hand on my hand and just let me cry. After I was done, we talked, and I apologized for him having to come to school. He told me that if I wanted to be a man, I needed to talk to the boy I'd fought with and make sure things were straight between us. I didn't want to, but I did.

Uncle Joe helped me through complexities of adolescence (peer pressure, emotional challenges). He got me and his boys around other men who showed me and their own boys how to do a lot of things right. Among other things, I learned how to work hard without needs a pay on the shoulder but being humble when I got one; how treat everyone (especially women) with respect and kindness; and how that it was not only cool but good to genuinely be happy that someone else did better than you. He and Aunt Demy had been married for a long time and they showed me what healthy relationships and communication look like. When my mom finally remarried, Uncle Joe invited my stepdad into our small group. I've never asked but I'd guess that my stepdad learned some of the same lessons I did about responsibility, integrity, self-respect.

For me, I'll never forget how Uncle Joe didn't mind showing affection. When his own kids did something good, he'd cheer them on and tell them they'd done a good job - the same as me. High fives and hugs from him and my mom and my aunt and, eventually, my stepdad, were normal. So normal I noticed when my friends didn't get the same from their dads. But it was definitely the hugs I loved the most - and we got a lot of them. It didn't matter where we were either. Our family has become such huggers that no one is shocked when we're out somewhere and, for no reason whatsoever, one of us hugs another. I truly believe that having a man in my life who wasn't afraid of affection or correction helped me grow into a well-rounded, respectful, confidant man."

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